Pick 16: Danny O’Neil’s Week 2 NFL predictions

It’s not like 8-8 is good.

Not even for Jeff Fisher, though that would constitute a high-water mark for him with the Rams. But I couldn’t even manage that in Week 1, going 7-9 in my NFL picks. It was embarrassing. It was awful. It left plenty of room for improvement, so let’s see what happens this time.

New York Jets at Buffalo (Thursday night)

Buffalo has won the past five in this series. How bad is the AFC East? Well, the Patriots began the season with Tom Brady suspended, Rob Gronkowski hurt and down two offensive linemen and they’re still alone in first place after one week. Now, we’re going to watch Rex Ryan try and coach his new team to a victory over his former team with the most significant news being that the Jets will wear all-white uniforms to prevent viewing issues for the color blind among us. Brock Huard appreciates this.

Pick: Jets 17, Bills 16.

San Francisco at Carolina

The biggest upset of Week 1? Cam Newton actually handled his team’s season-opening loss like a grownup. He answered questions and everything without pulling up his hood or storming off. He even showed adult restraint in refusing to blame either the hits to his helmet or the officiating for the Panthers’ loss. Maybe he took one of those grow-up pills that Jack Zduriencik was always talking about.

Pick: Panthers 23, 49ers 22.

Baltimore at Cleveland

A brief summary of the history here: The Ravens used to be in Cleveland. Not only that, but Bill Belichick coached the franchise when it was in Cleveland. Then the franchise moved to Baltimore and won a Super Bowl as the Ravens while the former coach went to New England, where he won four Super Bowls with the Patriots. And the Browns? Well, they remain the Browns, but hey, at least Cleveland got to keep its nickname. Sounds totally fair. Oh, by the way, Joe Flacco is 13-2 as a starting quarterback against Cleveland.

Pick: Ravens 27, Browns 16.

Tennessee at Detroit

How bad is the AFC South? Well, it takes a division this putrid to have the Lions staring down a 2-0 start. Last week, Detroit got the benefit of Indianapolis’ particularly awful debut. Now, the Titans come to town. It’s almost enough to make Jim Caldwell smile if, you know, he wasn’t a robotic android who is utterly incapable of expressing any emotion.

Pick: Lions 31, Titans 20.

Kansas City at Houston

A rematch of last year’s wild-card playoff game, which Kansas City won 30-0. Except the Chiefs’ defense doesn’t look that good this time around while the Texans have a functioning quarterback. No Justin Houston for Kansas City. Tamba Hali is on the decline, and as good as Dontari Poe is in the middle, he doesn’t have the pass-rush push. Throw in the fact that the Chiefs might be down two guards and the Texans could be looking at a 2-0 start.

Pick: Texans 24, Chiefs 17.

Miami at New England

The NFL finally got its way, suspending Brady only to have the Patriots unveil (gasp) an even better looking quarterback!!! Just further proof that you punish the Patriots, they punish us back even more. Now the Patriots have three straight home games and are staring at the possibility of a 4-0 record by the time Brady returns. They’ve won seven in a row at home against Miami, and overall, New England has won 26 of the past 28 at home, including the playoffs.

Pick: Patriots 20, Dolphins 15.

New Orleans at New York Giants

It’s a rematch of that defensive classic last season when the Saints beat the Giants 52-49, Drew Brees throwing seven touchdown passes. It was the third-highest scoring game in NFL history, and it nailed home one point most of all: Neither could play much defense. A year later, the defenses aren’t much better. Buckle up.

Pick: Saints 49, Giants 45.

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh

The Steelers beat the Bengals 18-16 in the wild-card round last year, a game best remembered for Cincinnati’s loss of composure. It’s indescribably lame that Vontaze Burfict won’t be playing in this game. There’s not a single person who doesn’t want to see that. Not the Bengals. Not the fans. I don’t think the Steelers are necessarily happy. But in an effort to act like the world’s most annoyingly strict killjoy of a father, Roger Goodell suspended Burfict for the first three games. After all, it’s not like overtly aggressive, molar-rattling hits and deeply felt grudges have fueled the success of this league or anything. So we’ll all watch this game with the unspoken understanding that it would be a lot cooler if Burfict was playing while Goodell sits with that smug father-knows-best look that says he didn’t enjoy punishing Burfict, but (in Judge Smails’ voice) felt he owed it to him.

Pick: Bengals 34, Steelers 30.

Dallas at Washington

The most annoying thing about this great rivalry is how often people feel the need to mention what a great rivalry it is. And it was. Back when Dennis Thurman and a Dallas teammate tried to interrupt Washington’s “Fun Bunch” touchdown celebration. That was 1983. Now, Washington is the team that hasn’t won a playoff game in 10 years and the Cowboys are in the midst of the second annual wait for Tony Romo to return so he can get hurt again. The Cowboys have won four of the past six against Washington.

Pick: Cowboys 31, Epithets 27.

Tampa Bay at Arizona

The Cardinals couldn’t really go 0-2, could they? At home, no less? Well, if Arizona lost to a Brady-less Patriots team that was also missing Gronkowski, could Jameis Winston come to town and plant his flag as a ready-to-contend quarterback? The fact that the Cardinals are desperate enough at cornerback to be claiming a Seattle leftover like Tharold Simon shows that there’s a fair amount of concern. Still, hard to see the Cardinals dropping this one.

Pick: Cardinals 34, Bucs 27

Seattle at Los Angeles

The Rams gained the second-fewest yards of any team in the league in Week 1. The Seahawks allowed the third-fewest. And for all the talk about the trouble that St. Louis’ defense gives Russell Wilson, the truth is that Seattle’s defense is the one that makes all the difference. Since Wilson’s arrival in 2012, the Seahawks are 4-0 when they’ve held the Rams to 15 points or fewer and 0-4 when the Rams scored more than 15.

Pick: Rams 23, Seahawks 17.

Indianapolis at Denver

On the one hand, the Colts have won six of the past seven meetings between these two franchises. On the other hand, the Broncos went to two Super Bowls in the four seasons since the Colts released Peyton Manning to bring in Andrew Luck. That’s not to say the Colts should have held onto Manning until the bitter end, but it is to point out that Indianapolis – having been gifted its second golden ticket in 15 years – hasn’t exactly reaped the rewards. And while the Rams and Cardinals have been ripped for their opening-week losses, the Colts might have had the single-most inexplicable one given their debacle against Detroit.

Pick: Colts 27, Broncos 20.

Atlanta at Oakland

Are the Raiders actually back? This franchise hasn’t had a winning season since 2002, when it went to the Super Bowl. The Raiders rushed for a league-high 167 yards in Week 1 while the Falcons gained 52 on the ground, which was the second-lowest total. So far, so good.

Pick: Raiders 20, Falcons 16.

Jacksonville at San Diego

Who’s going to be the first coach to be fired this season? Well, the loser of this game is going to be the leader in the clubhouse. Sorry, Gus Bradley. Love you, man, and your Jags were more than just respectable against the Packers last weekend. But your britches might feel like they’re burning if you start out 0-2. Meanwhile, the Chargers blew a 21-point lead last week, and Mike McCoy is about as charismatic as the color beige.

Pick: Jaguars 34, Chargers 26.

Green Bay at Minnesota

The Vikings are christening their new stadium on the same day they christen their new quarterback, Sam Bradford, and they’re doing it against their rivals – the Packers – who have won three of the past four in the series. Sorry, Minnesota. That does not sound promising.

Pick: Packers 20, Vikings 13.

Philadelphia at Chicago (Monday night)

So what was the rationale for putting this game on Monday night? Let’s put these two prominent teams in the spotlight real early in the season before everyone realizes that they’re both as boring as they are inept? So we get to watch a rookie quarterback who looks like Prince Harry (Carson Wentz) go against the only guy who has ever made a $100 million quarterback career look like as joyless as emptying the dishwasher (Jay Cutler). Does it ever seem like the league is putting its least desirable games on Monday night because they know we’ll watch? I mean, they’re right. But we’ll complain before we set ourselves down on the couch.

Pick: Bears 17, Eagles 9.

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