Moore: Would John Schneider take my advice for Seahawks’ offseason?

A few years ago, I concocted a scenario in how the conversation would go if I had a few drinks with general manager John Schneider at Dino’s Pub across I-405 from the Seahawks practice facility in Renton. Then last year it was I wondered how a discussion would go if Schneider called me up asking for my advice.

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He didn’t take my advice either of those times; maybe that will change now.

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Schneider, looking up at the flat screen: “Man, your Cougs are terrible! Never seen so many turnovers.”

Me: “Yeah, we need a new coach. Not a problem for you. But you do need some new players.”

Schneider: “I’ve heard your show. You don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ve got scouts, assistant coaches, salary cap guys, we’re discussing what we should do in the draft and free agency. Why should I take your advice?”

Waitress: “One check or separate checks?”

Me: “One. He’s buying.”

Schneider: “I’m buying?! I don’t even wanna be here.”

Me: “My advice will be worth it.”

Schneider, voice dripping with sarcasm: “Yeah, I’ll bet. Let me guess, you want me to trade for Antonio Brown. Guy’s crazy, He’d screw up our cap situation and our locker room. He’d be Percy Harvin all over again.”

Me: “But have you seen his stats? He’s a future Hall of Famer! He’d blow the top off of defenses, and one of Russell Wilson’s greatest strengths is his ability to throw the long ball.”

Schneider: “Of course I’ve seen his stats, I do this stuff for a living, you just blather about it.”

Me: “You might be able to get him for a third-round pick! And you could get salary-cap relief by releasing Doug Baldwin.”

Schneider: “Let me see if I have this straight, you want me to trade for a nut job while cutting the most reliable receiver we’ve got? How many of those Jack Daniels have you had?

Me: “Doug was banged up most of last season and needed a couple of surgeries over the winter. He’s been great but he’s starting to break down. Time to move on.”

Schneider: “They’ll both be 31 next season, Brown’s apt to slow down too.”

Me: “Ahh, he should be a game-breaker for two to three more years plus you gotta admit, you need to upgrade that receiver position. Tyler Lockett was terrific – nice job giving him that new contract by the way – but David Moore tailed off at the end of the season, and Jaron Brown didn’t warrant the free-agent contract you gave him all year long.”

Schneider: “Yeah but Antonio Brown?! Let’s just say I’m dumb enough to listen to you, if I traded that third-rounder, I’d be down to just three picks in the draft, a first, a fourth and a fifth.”

Me: “So.”

Schneider: “Whattaya mean, SO?!?! You’ve seen how I’ve turned quantity into quality in the draft, and I can’t do it with only three picks.”

Me: “I always say ‘so’ when I can’t think of a good comeback. Besides, you’ll parlay that 21st overall pick in the first round into two or three more picks when you trade down like you always do. And if don’t have enough guts to trade for Brown, you could always get Golden Tate or Jermaine Kearse in free agency. I’d take either one or both over Moore and Jaron Brown. Then in free agency, the only guy I really want you to re-sign is J.R. Sweezy. I know you don’t want to lose Justin Coleman, but he’ll cost too much for what he’s worth to you in relation to the rest of the team, and you can find a reasonably competent nickel corner at a drastically reduced price. And, yeah, D.J. Fluker, I know you like him too, but he’s injury-prone, and you’ve got a cheaper capable replacement for him in Jordan Simmons. Mike Davis, I love him, but you want Rashaad Penny to back up Chris Carson, so you can let Davis go. Everyone else, thank them for their time here, wish them well and move on.”

Schneider: “Everyone else?!?!” Frank Clark too?

Me: “Nah, sorry, forgot to mention him, but everyone knows you’re keeping him, whether you do it with a new contract or franchise tag. Then do something about your run defense. Everyone talks about needing another pass-rusher, but I’d rather see another run-stopper than a pass-rusher. That used to be one of the strengths of your defense. Not so much anymore.”

Schneider: “Hey, I finally agree with you on something, the run defense. We like to think that the free agent defensive tackle we got, Jamie Meder, will help with that. And we’re hoping that Mychal Kendricks will too.”

Me: “Mychal Kendricks?!?! He’s going to jail. Sentencing hearing in early April. I’m guessing he’ll get six months minimum.”

Schneider: “Heard you made a bet about him going to jail. That’s pathetic. Betting on someone going to jail…you’re a bad human being.”

Me: “Maybe so, I just can’t believe how many people think he should just be slapped on the wrists since it was a white-collar crime. He’s a convicted felon who should be treated as such whether he’s contrite or not.”

Schneider: “If you haven’t noticed, most of us GMs will overlook this kind of stuff and make excuses for controversial players when they offer high value to our teams. And that’s the case with Kendricks too. Have you seen him play?”

Me: “Yeah, he’s pretty good, like him a lot, better than K.J. Wright at this point in his career.”

Schneider: “Anything else?”

Me: “Hey, you’re trained pretty well. That’s exactly what your VP of communications, Dave Pearson, asks at the end of every Pete Carroll news conference, and then when a reporter actually does have something else, like another question, he never seems very happy about it. If that’s the case, why does he ask: ‘Anything else?’ when he’s done with the news conference and doesn’t want anyone to ask any more questions?”

Schneider: “Brother…why did I even agree to this? What a waste of my time. Waitress!”

Have you listened to “Bark?” It’s Jim’s podcast about dogs, available at 710Sports.com and wherever you find podcasts. If you’re interested in sponsoring “Bark,” please contact Jim at jmoore@espnseattle.com.

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