Danny O’Neil takes the Seahawks report card concept too literally
Nov 8, 2018, 11:41 PM
Looking for mid-term coverage? Wrong place.
But hokey mid-term report cards in which the Seahawks’ team is evaluated as if it were a grade-school class? Sure, we’ve got that for you right here in what can only be described as a ham-handed attempt to put an upbeat spin on a 4-4 first half of the season.
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Seahawk:
Halfway through fall semester, we’re writing to inform you on the progress of your students in this year’s class.
Let’s start with the good news. The citizenship is outstanding. Much improved from recent years. No one is crudely grabbing their own crotch on the playground or screaming at the top of their lungs about that day’s lesson plan or shouting “I’m the best first-grader in the game” at the front-office receptionist.
Honestly, that’s a huge improvement over two years ago when we were all thoroughly tired of little Richie Sherman’s big mouth. Things have been a lot quieter since we expelled him. Same with Mikey B., who was a good student in spite of being the class clown. His jokes weren’t the problem, though. It was the fact that he had a really, really, really hard time sitting still at those times we asked everyone to stop fidgeting.
This year’s class is really responsible. They always turn in their homework though they do tend to wait until the very last minute. Like this Chargers’ assignment. They just futzed through the second and the third quarter, watching the Australian exchange student and then marveling at just how far he could kick the ball. Then all of a sudden at the end there was this big mad dash to get finished. Everyone was saying, “Hurry up, hurry up, we’ve got to get done,” and then, wouldn’t you know it, the bell rings and they weren’t quite done yet.
But that Australian kid, Michael, he has been a real highlight. He’s got a funny accent, an upbeat attitude, and while he doesn’t always follow the lesson plan as explained by the teacher, the results so far have been fantastic. He hangs around with this Polish student who’s older than everybody else in the class and also significantly bulkier, too. There have been some worrisome reports about that kid because while we haven’t actually seen him do this, we’ve heard that he has been hanging out with the high-school smokers up behind the wood shop.
Russell Wilson is once again our very best student, but there have been a couple instances in which we turned in assignments that weren’t quite up to his usual standards. In fact, it has been a little concerning because there were two assignments in particular that were reminiscent of work turned in by a kid named Tarvaris who used to be in his class. But we all know Russell is better than that so I’m sure it will all work itself out. Russell is absolutely great. A teacher’s dream.
Chris Carson has been a pleasant surprise. He’s a very strong student, and I mean strong. But he has been spending more and more time in the nurse’s office these past couple of weeks so we’re keeping a good, close eye on that. Have you thought about upping his vitamin intake?
We had a truancy issue the first month of the school year, but that was just Earl. He’s certainly one of the most talented kids in the class, but he’s also got a tendency to say odd things and he’s just kind of odd. He’s getting home-schooled now, and given the finger he showed the principal on his way out the door, that’s probably best for everyone involved.
There was a lot of talk about this new student transferring in – Bruce. He used to bring fast food to school when he was enrolled here a few years ago. He also talked to the students non-stop about sacks, and the way he said that word was just a little bit inappropriate. But he moved to Atlanta instead so he’s not going to be joining us.
It’s a good class. Not our most talented group of students, but really earnest and hard-working. Respectful. Their work has been overall satisfactory. Not great, but they’re not in danger of being held back, either. They’re a solid C+ pushing toward a B-minus, and if they could be a little more proactive with their homework and not procrastinate so darn much, they could be solid B students by the end of the year.
Please sign to acknowledge that you’ve seen this report card and return to the office. Thanks.