All I needed to know about soccer I learned in Kindergarten

by Brock Huard

I tried, oh I really tried. Amidst an epic 80 degree day in June and four hours of yard work, I DVR’d the US-England soccer match. I lasted about ten minutes, as the title to this blog suggests, and here is why:

1. In Kindergarten, it was cool to see the school nurse. Bonk the head, scrape the knee at recess, fly off the tire swing, and down to the nurse you went. An ice pack, maybe a quick call home, and when you walk back into class, you were the hero. Same thing in the World Cup. Stretcher comes out, writher in deathly pain, scream like you’ve been shot ten times, flop like Vlade Divac on his best day, and bring all the attention you can possibly muster on yourself. Just like a five-year-old.

2. In Kindergarten, there are no grades. In Kindergarten, everyone gets a blue ribbon on Field Day. In Kindergarten, there are no losers. After watching the raucous and joyous celebrations break out in taverns and sports bars all across the US when the match concluded 1-1, it became even more apparent to me, ties make me puke.

3. Lastly, in Mrs. Chapman’s Kindergarten class back in the day at Meeker Elementary in Puyallup, I am sure we used to make noise as wonderful as the tones incessantly blared throughout the match Saturday. I think we did it on recorders, those want-to-be flutes, where even tone-deaf children can make music at an annoyingly high decibel level. I don’t know if they were recorders in South Africa, but the awful sound continually blared through my TV. What was that? There was no ebb and flow, no crescendo, just a drone that made the most annoying sound from “Dumb and Dumber” pale in comparison.

So there you have it, three reasons why all I needed to really know about soccer I learned in Kindergarten. Bring on Slovenia…