Seahawks’ Sherman, Baldwin mock “hypocritical” NFL in skit

Richard Sherman’s weekly press conference included a special guest, a mention of five corporate sponsors and Doug Baldwin ducking down behind a cardboard cutout of himself while responding to questions, which was so meta not to mention a little bit confusing.

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. The best way to summarize what was easily the most surreal, occasionally humorous and very, very pointed press conference is to transcribe it verbatim and include director’s notes from Seahawks insider Danny O’Neil to provide proper context.

The scene starts with Sherman stepping to the stage followed by Baldwin, his teammate from Stanford, who is carrying a cardboard cutout of himself.

Sherman: As you guys can see, I brought my guy Doug Baldwin with me today. You always want to share it with your teammates, share your success. So I’m taking any questions.

(Director’s note: At this point, Sherman is standing beside the lectern, next to Baldwin’s cutout. Baldwin is kneeling behind the cutout).

Sherman: You know, the other day, Marshawn Lynch got fined $100,000. Did you know that? $100,000, and it’s like they wouldn’t even have paid him $100,000 if he had talked. If he had spoken, Doug, do you think they would have paid him $100,000?

Cutout Baldwin: No, they sure wouldn’t have.

(Director’s note: Credit to the players here, understanding that it’s not the media’s requirement for availability but the league’s guidelines. This was evident in the locker room after Sunday’s victory over Arizona when Sherman was very short in his answers, especially to those questions asked by an NFL Network reporter).

Sherman: Geez, Louise. But do you know who does pay me a lot of money? Beats By Dre, the wonderful headphones that I wear.

Cutout Baldwin: I like those headphones.

Sherman: But the league doesn’t let me say anything about them. Doug, why is that?

Cutout Baldwin: I don’t know. That sounds kind of hypocritical to me.

(Director’s note: Here we go. Bose is the official headphones provider for the NFL, which has prohibited players sponsored by Beats from wearing that brand of headphones on the field within 90 minutes of kickoff and through the 90 minutes following a game.)

Sherman: Yeah. It sounds a little bit hypocritical. It seems like we’re in a league where they say, “Players, you don’t endorse any alcohol. Please don’t endorse alcohol. No DUIs, please, but yet a beer sponsor is their biggest sponsor. Doug, how do you feel about that?

Cutout Baldwin: Like I said, sounds very hypocritical.

(Director’s note: Well, the NFL could be grateful that at this point Sherman didn’t mention domestic violence.)

Sherman: It’s interesting. It’s very, very interesting. It’s crazy, but in this offseason, you have a good time. You get to wear Neff shades. You get to wear Neff beanies. You get to eat some Campbell’s soup. My girl was sick this week. She got some Campbell’s soup in here, and you know that’s always good. So kids, when you get sick, make sure you get your Campbell’s soup in you. It’s always a great deal. Very healthy. Very good for you. Chicken noodle soup, around this time. It’s flu season.

(Director’s note: Uh oh. Sherman forgot two of his sponsors here: Oberto jerky and BODYARMOR sports drink. We mention them here now in an effort to provide completeness.)

Cutout Baldwin: Speaking of health, how do you feel about the NFL making you play two games in five days?

Sherman: Oh my God. I almost didn’t realize that because they’ve been talking about player safety so much, and it’s like, two games in five days doesn’t seem like you care about player safety, but it’s a little bit much for me.

(Director’s note: Well, hmmm, the NFL can at least be grateful he didn’t talk about concussions. Or domestic violence.)

Sherman: But Doug, you look pretty healthy. You look like you’re having a good time. Looks like you’ve been eating good – what kind of sandwiches have you been having?

Cutout Baldwin: You know, I like to eat fresh so I eat my Subway, and then I also love to wash by Subway down with a bottle of Martinelli’s.

Sherman: Oh my God. Martinelli’s. Sounds like a great beverage. It’s fun. It’s fun to use your time in the NFL to speak about something you care about, right? Right? Because then you don’t get fined $100,000. You don’t get fined at all for this. This is how they want us to talk, right? This is what they want us to do? They want us to do, they want us to advertise, right, Doug?

Cutout Baldwin: Sounds about right to me.

Sherman: All right. Got to make some money. Got to not get fined. Anybody got any questions?

Cutout Baldwin: Nope. I don’t think so.