Jim Moore submits his proposal for what to do with KeyArena
Wednesday is the deadline for two groups to submit their plans to the City of Seattle for renovation of KeyArena or a complete rebuild of an arena on the Seattle Center site.
The City Council hopes that one of the groups – Oak View Group or Anschutz Entertainment Group – will say that it can build an arena that is suitable for the return of an NBA team and is big enough for an NHL team.
My sources have told me that council members went to bed last night and prayed for this to happen because everyone knows the council does not want to award a SoDo arena project to Chris Hansen.
If OVG and AEG can’t make a new arena feasible for the NBA and NHL, the council would have to give the project to Hansen by default. That would be an embarrassing development for the city, which wants no part of the SoDo project even though it makes a hell of a lot more sense than the joke show at KeyArena.
Even if OVG and AEG say they can build this pipe dream of an arena at Seattle Center, how will anyone get there and how will anyone get home? Mercer Street’s already a mess. Whose bright idea was it to make Mercer a two-way street? Now imagine trying to get to the new arena by 7 p.m. and leaving at 10? You’ll be home just in time to go to work the next morning.
And what about parking? OVG and AEG will say they have that covered, but my flimsy research shows that whatever their case is, I’ll be highly skeptical given the space they have to work with.
Oh wait, my bad, I forgot a critical element to the potential transportation issues. The monorail! It will freely and swiftly get fans to and from Westlake Center and the new arena. Yeah, a 1962 relic of a transportation system is going to do the trick in 2017.
Before the city even looks at OVG’s and AEG’s proposals, it’s a given that one will win. There will be all kinds of fanfare when it happens. The Port of Seattle will celebrate because it won’t have to drum up its bogus concerns about Occidental Avenue anymore. The Seattle Times will celebrate because it clearly has something against Hansen’s project, and whatever it is, I’d like someone to explain that to me. And the city will celebrate because it won’t have to deal with that pesky Hansen guy anymore.
But I’m here to rewrite the script. I’ve got a better plan than OVG and AEG, and a much cheaper one, too. I’m late to the party, but then again, that’s a beta male thing – wait ‘til the last minute to get stuff done.
OVG and AEG can take their months of studies and shove ‘em where the sun don’t shine. I spent 20 minutes on my plan, and it’s brilliant, vastly superior to theirs in every way. I think Hansen will like it, too.
The following is what I submitted to the Seattle City Council today, narrowly beating the April 12 deadline:
To every respected member of the Seattle City Council and Sally Bagshaw:
Hey, how’s it going? I know, you didn’t expect a third proposal, and I would have gotten it in sooner, but I was tied up on Occidental – man that traffic’s brutal down there! Saw one other car and not a single semi on Occidental this morning. No wonder the Port’s concerned about Chris Hansen’s project!
If I can pull you away from your interviews with Geoff Baker and your glowing remarks about the OVG and AEG proposals and how hard it will be to make a decision between the two, I hope you will consider an even better proposal from my group, the BIU group.
Sally, I’m guessing you’re thinking BIU stands for “Build It Up,” and that my group’s presentation will feature music from “Field of Dreams,” and if we Build It Up, the NBA and NHL will come.
But actually, Sal, BIU stands for something else, as in “Blow it Up!” Our group simply wants to blow up KeyArena with the hope that you’ll award the arena project to Hansen, a native son who has worked tirelessly to bring the Sonics back to Seattle.
As you’ll notice, our spokesman is Napoleon Dynamite. We feel he’s a perfect representative for BIU, not only for his name but for being initially scorned and becoming a winner by the end of the movie.
I’m sure you’re getting ready to toss BIU’s proposal in the circular bin, but don’t do it, Sally! You’ll probably shoot an air ball anyway. BIU offers the most cost-effective and best solution to your arena issues.
I went on the Internet yesterday and Googled “How to Blow Up an Arena” and found that there’s a lot of red tape to go through to get an explosives permit – too much red tape.
So if the respected council members and you could look the other way, Sally – that shouldn’t be too hard because you’re usually oblivious – BIU will illegally blow up KeyArena without a permit.
I’m estimating it will cost around $100,000 to buy enough explosives to demolish KeyArena. Where did I come up with that figure? I pulled it out of thin air, Sal! I would have said $200,000, but KeyArena’s such a dump that it won’t take that much to blow that dilapidated sucker to kingdom come.
BIU thought about using Tannerite, which activates when it’s shot by high-powered rifles, but then we thought it might be easier to just get on the Bainbridge ferry and go to the fireworks stand by the Clearwater Casino and buy everything they have and put on a Fourth of July Show for the ages at KeyArena!
I also like the idea I saw on one website with this guy who said if you want to blow something up, you buy a bunch of 30-gallon barrels of diesel fuel and attach a long cannon fuse to the barrels. Then you light the fuse and in his words “RUN LIKE A SCARED DOG!” Sounds like fun to me.
If you’re worried about your iconic KeyArena roof being blown to smithereens, BIU will have it transported to the Museum of History and Industry by our heavy-duty drones, and a roof-less implosion will follow with Hansen cutting the ceremonial ribbon.
As an added bonus, we hope to give the city national exposure by working out a deal with TNT to televise this history-changing event.
Get the connection, Sally? TNT. You don’t? Well, let me explain it to you. TNT stands for Turner Network Television and it also stands for the chemical compound in explosives.
In closing, we at BIU hope you see the benefits in choosing our group’s plan for KeyArena over the others. We want to remind you that if you’re concerned about a big hole in the ground being a public eyesore, you already have one at Seattle Center with the Experience Music Project, so there’s precedent.
Please stop the stupidity. A vote for BIU is a vote for Chris Hansen and a project that actually makes sense.
The Go 2 Guy also writes for SeattlePI.com and KitsapSun.com. You can reach Jim at firstname.lastname@example.org and follow him on Twitter @cougsgo.