By Jim Moore
In a completely futile exercise, pundits and know-nothings like to make predictions for the new year.
These people are usually clueless and have no idea what they’re talking about, but they write their little posts and columns anyway, hoping to become respected blind squirrels I suppose.
With all of that in mind, the Go 2 Guy offers the following predictions, some of which I think will happen, some of which I hope will happen, and none of which actually will:
• Jack Zduriencik will hold a press conference at Safeco Field on Jan. 15 to announce the signing of Placido Polanco and say: “At the end of the day, this is the best we could do.”
• Two weeks later, fans will show up at Mariners Fan Fest with paper bags over their heads.
• On Feb. 10, Pete Carroll will wake up and feel pessimistic for the first time in his life. He will look at his glass, and for the first time it will be half-empty. It will finally dawn on him what has already dawned on everyone else — he can’t win a Super Bowl with Tarvaris Jackson at quarterback.
• On Feb. 11, the cleansing of the conscience continues as Carroll announces on a YouTube video that he maybe sort-of knew something about Reggie Bush’s parents but isn’t completely sure.
• On March 17, the Go 2 Guy will drink six green beers. (Hey, I’ve got to get one of these suckers right.)
A 60-58 win in the Alamo Bowl will earn Huskies defensive coordinator Nick Holt another raise. (AP)
• On April 26 in the first round of the NFL draft, the Seahawks will draft a pass-rusher instead of a pass-thrower, which means that Jackson will be the starting quarterback again. Even Big Lo will shake his head. Odds of the Seahawks winning the Super Bowl will skyrocket to 500-1.
• On May 23, Yu Darvish will throw a two-hitter and Prince Fielder will hit two home runs to lead the Rangers past the Mariners 8-0 at Safeco Field.
• On May 24, C.J. Wilson will throw a two-hitter and Albert Pujols will hit two home runs to lead the Angels past the Mariners 8-0 at Safeco Field.
• In the early morning hours of May 25, Eric Wedge will go to bed at his Mercer Island home and ask his wife: “Remind me, why did I take this job again?”
• On June 15, David Stern will hand Clay Bennett the championship trophy after the Thunder beats the Heat in six games in the NBA Finals.
• On June 16, Seattle-area Costco stores will have a record-breaking day for TV sales with customers reporting that they had smashed their old sets to smithereens the night before.
• During the All-Star break on July 11, despite the fact that he’s hitting only .264 and is 38 years old, Ichiro will get a three-year, $36 million contract extension from the Mariners. (Besides the green-beer prediction, this one has the best chance of happening.)
• On July 18, Jack Cust will hit his first home run of the season — in his backyard playing Wiffle Ball with his kids.
• On Aug. 3, Miguel Olivo will actually stop a ball in the dirt from going to the backstop.
• On Aug. 5, the Mariners will be mathematically eliminated from winning the AL West. Appearing on “Brock and Salk” on Aug. 6, ESPN’s Buster Olney will say that it’s the earliest date a team has been eliminated in the history of major-league baseball.
• On Sept. 1, Scott Woodward will announce that Nick Holt is getting another raise and will now make $750,000 a year as the Huskies’ defensive coordinator. Encouraged by the direction of the defense after last year’s 60-58 victory over Baylor in the Alamo Bowl, Woodward will say: “Hey, we held ’em when we had to, and Nick deserves a lot of credit for that.”
• On Nov. 25, the Cougars will beat the Huskies 45-10 in the Apple Cup in Pullman. Swinging his sword, Mike Leach will leave the field on the shoulders of his players. Afterward, the Pirate of the Palouse will say: “We’re looking forward to hosting USC at Martin Stadium in the Pac-12 championship game, baby!”
• On the morning of Nov. 26, from his Super 8 motel room in Moscow, amid scattered airplane bottles of Goldschlager and a half-eaten Italian calzone from Sella’s, the Go 2 Guy will wake up and say: “Go Cougs” to Willie the Go 2 Pup.
• Later that day on Nov. 26, Steve Sarkisian will announce that the Huskies have officially accepted an invitation to play in the Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl.
• On Dec. 29, the Seahawks will finish their season by going 8-8 again, not being good enough to make the playoffs, not being bad enough to get a high draft pick. Again.
• On Dec. 30, Coach Sark will sheepishly put the Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl runner-up trophy in the Huskies’ trophy case.
• On Dec. 31, the Go 2 Guy will write another one of these idiotic prediction columns for 2013 and fly to Pasadena for the Cougs’ Rose Bowl game against Michigan.