Danny O’Neil’s Week-3 NFL predictions: Parity or parody?

Improvement was promised after a 7-9 start to the season.

Improvement was delivered. Barely. I correctly forecasted eight of the 16 games in Week 2, which isn’t really good. It wasn’t as awful as Week 1, however.

If Jeff Fisher can keep his job with the Rams for four years without surpassing .500, maybe I can battle back after stumbling through the predictions for the first two weeks.

So here goes since it’s hard to be much worse:

Houston at New England (Thursday night)

Has anyone seen coach Bill Belichick’s soul recently? I ask because this season seems to point to the possibility that he’s sold it to the devil. And by that, I mean he’s sold it to the devil as played by Jon Lovitz on “Saturday Night Live.” I mean, there’s a decent amount of evidence pointing toward that possibility. Belichick is a guy once deemed too dense and dull to coach the Browns, and now he’s a four-time Super Bowl winner in the salary-cap era who has done it all with a sixth-round pick at quarterback. Not only that, but when that franchise quarterback was injured in 2008, the team went 11-5 with Matt Cassel filling in. And now, the sixth-round draft pick who became a franchise quarterback is currently suspended yet the Patriots are 2-0 while starting some guy who’s prettier than Janeane Garofalo. Even that guy is hurt now. If the Patriots go to 3-0 behind Jacoby Brissett, someone start searching Hades for the deed to Belichick’s soul.

Pick: Patriots 24, Texans 20.

Arizona at Buffalo

The Bills gave up 37 points last Thursday to the Jets, who very nearly had three different players surpass 100 yards receiving. So of course Buffalo fired its offensive coordinator. Wait. What? Yeah. That’s how things go in Buffalo. Meanwhile, Arizona showed last week against Tampa Bay that it’s more than capable of accepting a game the opponent gives away.

Pick: Cardinals 27, Bills 16.

Minnesota at Carolina

Minnesota is the saddest 2-0 team in the league. First the Vikings lost starting quarterback Teddy Bridgewater to a severe knee injury in August. Now running back Adrian Peterson is going to miss three to four months after undergoing knee surgery to repair a damaged meniscus and left tackle Matt Kalil was placed on injured reserve this week with an injured hip. Top all that off with a game at the defending conference champions. Ouch.

Pick: Panthers 30, Vikings 20.

Denver at Cincinnati

The Bengals have allowed the most rushing yards in the NFL, which is a concern not only because they play in the same division as Pittsburgh, but because the Broncos rank No. 4 in the league in rushing yards so far this season.

Pick: Bengals 23, Broncos 20.

Detroit at Green Bay

Aaron Rodgers and Mike McCarthy have the look of that soon-to-be-divorced pairing that will not publicly acknowledge what everyone can plainly see: They’re not getting along. The body language is all off. The postgame answers are more telling for what they don’t say. It has been one of the most successful coach-quarterback pairings of the past decade, but it just doesn’t seem like they really like each other any more. As for Detroit? Well, the Lions are 7-4 since Jim Bob Cooter was promoted to offensive coordinator seven games into last season.

Pick: Packers 23, Lions 16.

Baltimore at Jacksonville

This is getting bad. The Jaguars are 0-2, they’ve allowed the third-most points in the league and their record in September is 1-12 since Gus Bradley became the head coach. Bradley is a great guy. The best. But the Jags also have a bye in Week 5, and he’s the leader in the clubhouse to be the first coach fired this season. Sorry, Gus.

Pick: Ravens 33, Jags 24.

Cleveland at Miami

It’s only fitting that Charlie Whitehurst would wind up as a quarterback in Cleveland. After all, that’s the site of the second-to-last game he ever started for Seattle. It was 2011, he was filling in for the injured Tarvaris Jackson and it was the sorriest game of the Pete Carroll era. You thought Seattle’s 9-3 loss in Los Angeles on Sunday was bad? Well, Seattle’s 6-3 loss in Cleveland that year was 179 yards worse. It’s only a matter of time before Whitehurst is playing for the Browns, who’ve had two quarterbacks injured in two games this season.

Pick: Dolphins 20, Browns 11.

Washington at New York Giants

Ready to have a conflict involving a New York franchise shoved down your threat? You better be because you’re going to hear a whole lot about cornerback Josh Norman matching up with receiver Odell Beckham Jr. The real story of this game is that Washington has a quarterback in Kirk Cousins who’s not as good as his statistics indicated last season and a defense that absolutely bleeds yardage. That’s an awful combination as evidenced by the fact that Washington just lost to a Tony Romo-less Cowboys team. How bad is that? Well, heading into the game, the Cowboys were 1-13 without Romo going back to the start of the 2014 season.

Pick: Giants 38, Epithets 34.

Oakland at Tennessee

The Raiders are one of only two teams to score at least 28 points in each game so far this season. The Titans are one of four teams that has yet to score 20 points in a game this year. The Raiders have scored the third-most points in the league this season. The Titans, the fifth-fewest. The beacon of hope for Tennessee? No one has allowed more yards so far this season than Oakland, giving up 517.5 per game.

Pick: Raiders 23, Titans 20.

San Francisco at Seattle

The 49ers are the only team in the league to author a shutout. That was a victory over Los Angeles in Week 1. Then in Week 2, the 49ers allowed 46 points, which is the most given up by any team in a single game through the first two weeks. So what happens against a Seahawks team that has allowed the fewest points in the league and scored the second-fewest? We’ll see Sunday.

Pick: Seahawks 33, 49ers 20.

Los Angeles at Tampa Bay

What happens when the immovable object meets the irresistible opponent? Well, the Rams’ offense is as close as the NFL gets to an immovable object, Los Angeles not having scored a touchdown yet this season. And the Bucs’ defense has proven an irresistible target for opposing offenses, giving up the fifth-most points in the league so far. The Rams are impotent enough to test even the most sieve-like defense, though.

Pick: Rams 12, Bucs 10.

San Diego at Indianapolis

The Bills’ incompetence has attracted a ton of attention this month, but no one expected Buffalo to be good. The Colts, on the other hand, are a team that played for the conference title just two seasons ago and were supposed to bounce back to the playoffs this year. Through two weeks, their defense is so horrifically bad that not even Andrew Luck will be able to keep this team from missing the playoffs for a second straight year.

Pick: Colts 27, Chargers 24.

New York Jets at Kansas City

The Herm Edwards Bowl could come down to a question of running the ball. The Jets rank No. 5 in rushing yards while the Chiefs have allowed the third-most rushing yards in the league. With Justin Houston out and Tamba Hali aging, this Chiefs defense might not be what it was the past few years.

Pick: Jets 27, Chiefs 23.

Pittsburgh at Philadelphia

Everyone needs to calm down about this whole Carson Wentz thing. The Eagles have played two of the five worst teams in the league, and they’re 2-0 in large part because they’re one of two teams that has yet to commit a turnover. Let’s wait until Wentz leads his team to a victory over an FBS-caliber opponent before pronouncing him the league’s next great rookie. Reality arrives this week.

Pick: Steelers 33, Eagles 16.

Chicago at Dallas

Hey look: The Bears are in prime time. Again. Why in the world would the schedule makers put the league’s most militantly boring team in prime-time real estate in two of the first three weeks of the season? The only thing exciting about the Bears is whether Jay Cutler will do his pinata impersonation, spilling out turnovers after you whack him a couple of times. I’ve got an idea: How about instead of pretending to care about player safety, why doesn’t the overly officious hall monitor that is commissioner Roger Goodell make America great again by pulling the Bears off prime time?

Pick: Cowboys 20, Bears 17.

Atlanta at New Orleans (Monday night)

The Saints are versatile. In their game against Oakland in Week 1, the two teams combined for 69 points, the second-highest scoring total of the league’s opening weekend. On Sunday, New Orleans lost 16-13 to the Giants, the second-lowest-scoring total of any game in Week 2. New Orleans is also consistent. The Saints lost both games by a combined total of four points. A loss to Atlanta this week would cause the bottom to drop out of their season.

Pick: Falcons 30, Saints 27.

Follow @dannyoneil